- For Love & Money is Insider’s bi-weekly column that answers questions about relationships and money.
- This week, readers are wondering how to tell their in-laws that they can’t afford an expensive lifestyle.
- Our columnist recommends setting up a standing house meeting, as awkward as it may be.
- Questions for the columnists? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
for love and money
My in-laws were preparing to downsize, but instead offered my family the chance to move into the house and renovate it to create a separate apartment area for themselves.
Due to the rising cost of the housing market and student loans, we took them up on the offer. All in all it wasn’t a bad move. But, of course, there are some issues that arise from time to time.
How do my wife and I navigate life stage differences in income? My father-in-law earns almost six figures, but we have a limited single income. We find it hard and defeating to feel like we’re constantly telling them we can’t afford certain things or contribute to a more expensive lifestyle.
Any tips for adjusting budgets or having conversations?
Sincerely,
thankfully thrifty
dear thanks,
Multigenerational living situations can be as tricky as they are challenging, and you seem to be experiencing a bit of both right now.
You haven’t given a specific example where it was a problem that your in-laws were making more money than you or your wife, but I think it comes down to areas where they used to make money, but now feel pressured to indulge in luxuries . . or if they buy things without your approval and expect you to participate, they are effectively forcing your hand. increase.
What I appreciate in your letter is that you attribute this problem not to the degree of generosity of your in-laws, but rather to “differences in stage of life with respect to income”. It sounds like you understand and respect your right to live the lifestyle you have earned, but you simply cannot participate.
Remember that your position on this issue is not offensive. You are not judging or resenting your in-laws. It’s like going for a run with an Olympic sprinter. It’s neither shameful nor disrespectful to let them know you simply can’t keep up.
Start by setting up a house meeting to discuss things
What I do is: I spoke with them about the permanent meeting schedule. This can add an extra layer of anxiety and awkwardness to your conversation for the first few times, but a little bit of anxiety before a confrontation can blind your loved one in an inadvertent outburst of frustration or leave you passive. It’s better than gradually demonstrating it by aggressive attacks.
Scheduling the meeting also gives you the opportunity to add any disclaimers you want in the minutes. We want everyone on the same page. We want to be transparent. We want open communication. And I don’t want anyone to hide their frustration. If I knew anything about in-law relationships or roommate relationships, there would be some hidden frustrations, so witnessing would be a good idea regardless of your financial situation.
Once you have a schedule, try to have fun. Put it around the fire pit, bring a drink, bake some cookies and let the night go by. Make sure everyone is relaxed so that no one feels under attack. This is also an opportunity to show how much fun you can do within your income range (i.e. backyard, not fine dining).
Here’s how to start a conversation: “Thank you for letting me live in your house. It has saved me a lot of money and stress. I always tell you how much I enjoy having you so close. We are still not as financially fit as we would like to be. We hope that this time, which you have so generously given us, will save us and become as financially secure as you are. It’s really important to take advantage of the opportunity. For us, it means making more thrifty choices.”
Here are the specifics. For example, “To save money on groceries, you should buy store-branded food as often as possible.” Make it clear that you are separating. Let them know that you simply cannot keep up and at the same time achieve your financial goals.
Some options to consider when you need to negotiate costs
There are areas where you can live different lifestyles, but there are also areas where the price points cannot be separated. For example, if you share your utility bills with your in-laws and their preference is for a house that is cooler in the summer and warmer in the winter than you feel thrifty, you will need to reach a mutually satisfactory agreement. There are several ways to deal with these dilemmas.
First, you can do some research and see what the cost differences actually look like. Whether you think credit cards aren’t considered real money or you think you’ll be in financial trouble if you forget to turn off the lights when you leave your room , Everyone has an irrational perception. So, untangle your financial anxieties and make sure the financial pressures you’re asking them to eliminate are real and not imagined.
Second, you can compromise. Try setting the thermostat to the midpoint of your preferred temperature, or choosing the mid-range option for your home update.
Or three, this is a hard question. You can use the house meeting as an opportunity to ask how you feel about splitting your costs by income. If you’re the kind of person who believes everyone should be paid their way, you might disagree. But this is also the life and future of their beloved daughter.
everyone’s support,
for love and money
